Because my outward appearance was that of a boy, it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that following this incident my nickname at school became, Faggot. My real name was forgotten and from then on everyone referred to me as the Faggot. Additionally, since I had acquiesced to the to forego pain, I was also a “fucking queer who likes dicks, right Faggot?” Most of the time I managed to keep from crying while everyone laughed and spit on me but sometimes I just couldn’t help it. It killed me the most when little much younger than me would say it too. It was not uncommon for older to hold me while their younger sibling or friend would use me as a punching bag. I would walk for 8 (each way) to and from school rather than ride the bus because the I suffered there was unbearable. Because I thought of myself as both a girl and a boy, I had no idea what anyone expected of me or how I was supposed to behave or whether I was supposed to just be attracted to girls or just be attracted to boys or if it was wrong to be attracted to both. I had no role models, no compass, and no point of reference. I was completely lost and confused with no adult guidance or support what-so-ever. All I really knew for sure was that I was very different and there was something very wrong with me; I had no friends, absolutely no one liked me, and I was utterly and completely alone. That, as was the case every, I was sent off to camp to be out of my parents’ hair. My mother would say at the beginning of every, “Christ, I can’t wait to get rid of you god damned.” This year, I instantly clicked with my cabin counselor who was a 19 year old college student and very good looking. We quickly became very close and spent the entire as lovers. He provided me with something absent in my life that I craved – and affection. He was so nice to me and treated me with respect, which was something I wasn’t accustomed to. He filled a massive void in my life by making me feel as if I once again had value. No one had ever told me I was before and I burst into tears the first time he said it.
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